There everywhere. I’m sure I’m not the only one whose noticed. Your office is full of them, you drive one to work. You plug in when you get home. And don’t get me wrong, I’m only a partial neoluddite. I enjoy the internet and computer games. I adore the ability to download documents from all over the world, sagas, manuscripts, texts of every type and persuasion. It’s a golden age of learning. All due to machines.
But some of them, quite frankly, shit me.
Alarm clocks for example. Who wants to wake up alarmed! Damn things go off like the buildings on fire and nag you out of bed! Not how I wish to greet the day!
My last one had two settings. One was radio. Bad move. You wake up to some awful song followed by three clowns trying to have fun. And the news.
Yep, nothing like that to make you want to go out and join humanity.
Its other setting was an increasingly loud beeping noise. In case I’d gone deaf during the night I suppose. So it would go off, its initial beep was set at “annoying level” you’d be in the middle of some dream and suddenly think, “hang on, is the building on fire?” pick a dream, it can be one where the beautiful woman has come eagerly to your arms or the post apocalyptic nightmare with zombies and trust me, neither is improved by the thought
“Hang on, is the building on fire?”
The second burst of beeping reminds you that no, its just your life and its time to get up and face it.
Buy the third you want to slap it, amazed at its ability to pick the wrong day and the wrong time to go off, resentment has arrived.
By the fourth you’ve realized that your arguing with a machine, its getting louder, and your not going to win.
I hated that bloody clock!
Finally one chrismas holiday I gave myself a present!
I set that thing for the first morning of my holiday. It sat smugly all night and went off with a strong sense of self importance. I arose eagerly, unplugged it from the wall strode off into the garden, where It, I and a large log splitter engaged in a frank and honest discussion in the universal language. Which is to say it died, violently.
Course I’d forgotten I was entertaining a young lady and that lead to rather interesting conversation over breakfast.
I lived without a clock till Christmas, when some kind relative bought me a new one.
Its round, looks like a tyre and makes a strange electronic sounds like a vaguely frightened “Umm,” “Umm,” “Umm.” Its like its not quite sure if it should. Like a nervous bugler in a camp of hung over soldiers.
You can sleep through it. I have, on principle!
I set it sometimes on the weekends just so I can roll over, give it a cheery obscene finger sign and show it whose boss.
But why does it have to be like this? Why the aggravation?
If I’m going to buy a machine why shouldn’t it be nice to me?
Something pleasant, polite? I mean I’ve got 8 hours for the rest of human interaction, why not slip in the ones I’m not likely to get?
I’d like an alarm clock that makes me a coffee! And says in a sulty voice encouraging things like “Wow it’s a beautiful day, cmon, get up and enjoy it!” or “Mmm, that coffees hot, I made it specially for you,” or even “ get up handsome, the world needs you,” (That ones a personal favorite, the only times its been used on me I’ve been bolt awake in seconds.)
So why not? If we have to live with them why can’t we get along?
I don’t want some gps in my car that berates me when I take a short cut.
“You took an incorrect turn” or “you have missed the turning, you can try again in 70 meters”
Seriously, were half way to one that goes “you know you wouldn’t get anywhere in life without me, your lost again aren’t you, stupid. If I wasn’t here to guide you who knows where you’d end up.” ARRRRGGGGHHHHH
And the stupid thing is there’s men who would try to marry one!
Sure its fine for it to give advice, but if I’m going to buy a machine to tell me where to go it had better be polite about it.
Why not a pretty voice saying “Next lefts a tight corner, but your good at these. I think you can take it.” Or “Why not the next right, come on, lets be adventurous!”
It could make useful observations like, “nice gear change, your pretty smooth with this thing” Or “that was very controlled piece of evasion there, nicely read”
Maybe even occasional food for thought, “Hey you’re a little rough today tiger, did we have a bad day, or are we just having fun?”
My car doesn’t have a gps, so some charming engineer decided to put in an annoying beeping noise. If you put the key in before you shut the door it beeps, if you start the car with the door open it beeps. If your seatbelt isn’t on it beeps. Even if you live on a backwards slope and have to reverse! It cares not, beep!
Its legal to leave the belt off and turn around so you can check that the neighbors kids aren’t behind you but no. Beep!
I’m going to find that friggin beep maker and reprogram it with a screwdriver!
Road rage is on the increase, can’t imagine why! Were all being nagged at by our cars and told off by our GPS’s!
And when you get to work there is normally one machine that really exists to grate on you. For some people it’s their computer. With me, it’s the office printer. Well it thinks it’s a printer. It’s got document collators, a fax ability, it can do double sided and supposedly scan, and its networked, so it can hold the whole office to ransom. But its really just a printer. Bastard!
This thing takes up half a wall and stubbornly resist our attempts to subdue it. It has attitude. You press print, it won’t. It quibbles that the object isn’t quite a match for any of its preset paper sizes. It has so many it just can’t imagine which to choose. So you jab one and the thing reluctantly starts making noise and then…. nothing happens but a strange waving of rollers and accompanying noise. Like its waiting for applause or something and then…oh, behold, a printed page!
I mean I’m gen X! I’m not amazed at the printed page anymore. I’m not going to swoon!
And so now it sulks, sometimes it doesn’t print at all.
I tell the computer to print, and it does. It pops up a little message saying “your document has been sent to the printer. So I walk to the printer, and nothing. It sits there defiantly with a little light flashing saying “object in memory.”
I mean just get it out and print it, don’t think about it. I’m the human and I’ve already thought about it. I just need you to print the sodding thing.
But it wont, it will wait till your ready to head back to your desk to see what’s gone wrong with the print queue when it does its its “lo and behold from the belly of the beast I bring forth, a printed page!”
I’ve been known to snatch the page and growl at it.
It takes opportunities to control. It has three paper trays but it likes to use number three. It will interrupt your important printing to tell you tray three is empty. It has another two trays. But to get it to use one you have to assault it with finger strikes in a precise format that would leave a shaolin monk perplexed. It’s easier to just put an offering of paper into tray bloody three.
Last time the tech was out I asked him if we could stop it beeping.
“Oh it supposed to do that” he said cheerfully.
“But its bloody annoying, I mean we have to live with this thing. If its broken have it make a pot of coffee and drop chocolate like a one armed bandit in payout mode. There are easier ways to get peoples attention. Who designs these things, sadists?”
Clearly he thought I was mad so when he asked if there was anything else I’d like to improve the machine I added, yes, a “just bloody print it” button. It’s a 21st century machine and the futures a wonderful place, it comes from a long line of printers going back to the 70’s and is bred for the job! I don’t care which tray it uses or whether the papers American regulation size. I just want a sheet of paper, to come out of there, with stuff on it! And if the stuff could get from my computer, to the printer, with slightly better speed than a lame and emaciated pigeon I’d be much obliged.”
He left, and he hasn’t come back.
And so my struggle continues on by democratic means. My team didn’t like the idea at first but on my last informal survey of the office there are now three out of around 7 full time staff in favor of me assaulting it with a log splitter. Almost enough for me to have it put on an agenda and take it to a team meeting.
I’ll get that thing yet. And when I do I’m hoping we’ll see a smarter, nicer, more sociable printer arrive in its place. One that’s willing to get along, be one of the team, fit in. Hell, I’d be happy if it just printed!
