Angus bares all in his quest for love!

Well my torrid affair with a datebot continues. Its english is awful and its courting would make a lustful buffalo blush. But somehow I felt young Angus had finally found someone who didnt mind that he was a ferret (she didnt notice?????) and the least I could do was give him his shot at love..... lol.

"och aye that’s grand! I'm so glad you weren’t put off with me being a ferret and all. I know some ladies just don’t want to be with a 50 cm long carnivorous beastie.
I thought I might match your boldness and send a rather revealing photo. One I call “Angus au natural” (if you get my swish of a slinky tail ;-)
Haven’t sent this one to anyone before, and admit I feel a little bashful, but fairs fair, I've seen your … well pretty much everything really. Unless you have X-ray equipment or start vomiting I cant image there is much of you left to reveal. So I guess I'd better catch up. Kilt off as they say. Hope you like my intimate picture.
I'm told plane travel is rather straightforward. For people at least.

If you want, as you quaintly put it, to “know how to plane come to you master” I can explain the process.

You walk up into the large metal objects with wings attached and they fly. Cardinal points are to get a ticket, pick a location and remember to catch the plane.
Of course its much harder as a ferret. Seems there is some rule that says you have to be locked in a cat box to go into an airport. While its flattering to be treated like a creature who can kill with a paw and rend flesh at will, in short, a small fluffy dynamo of destruction, it makes plane travel bothersome. On my last trip I tried to explain to the stewardess that I wasn’t a vorpal rabbit and really didnt need to be confined for the survival of the other passengers. I mean I'm not wearing a Hannibal Lector mask and I'm not even the same species as Chuck Norris!
She was quite pretty and I'll admit curvaceous, as was distinctly apparent as she bent over my cage.
"Your so adorable!"she smiled.
"Yeah thanks, your pretty sweet yourself miss, but I’m also a paying customer and cant help but notice I’m in a cage and bipeds out there are in comfortable chairs near oxygen masks and there’s a lady with a trolley serving drinks. I'm thinking I’d be more comfortable over there in a chair with a small scotch and dry, and a straw.”

“Oh you are the sweetest little thing, you want out do you. I'm sorry, animals have to stay in their transporters at all times” she said waving her finger like I was a cheeky puppy or something.

“Well technically I would still be in my transporter, I'm in a plane right? The plane is transporting me. I mean this cage isn’t moving by itself. I'd just rather be over there with an in flight movie and a drink rather than in this small dark box with, what is this? Straw?”

“Oh are you trying to talk to me? Yes you are aren’t you?”

“what? Of course I am... what? Oh damn, I'm a bloody ferret, (facepaw) of course your just hearing small high pitched squeaking noises right? I keep forgetting I can type but I can nae speak in a way that people understand. Oh this is frustrating.... can I have my laptop please? Its the white Apple MacBook in that bag over there? I'll bring up Word or IM you!”

Of course she didn’t understand any of it.

“Now you just settle down, your getting all excited. You'll feel better when we land. Here I'll put this little cover over your transporter and you can go to sleep for a while.”

“Lady dont even joke about putting me to sleep, thats not funny”

Blackness covered my cage (transporter be damned!)

Happy when I land? I could have been happy right then!

In a chair, with a drink, watching Americans blow things up with special effects and a tardy attempt at a storyline. Not sitting next door to a friggin cat that snores out of tune. I was stranded in a dark box, offline and without a good book to read.

In all it was a good thing I was only going to Sydney!

As a rule now, I don’t fly. I mean fair enough, ferrets aren’t supposed to fly. As they say “Eagles may soar, but ferrets don’t get sucked into jet engines.” When people make up sayings about you you've got to take the hint. I'm convinced that mr murphy (and his law) are real and that the reaper is has a thing for irony. I'd prefer not to risk it.

Though the way Qantas is going death from a jet engine cant be ruled out if your under a flight route anywhere.

Are you sure your ready to fly over? I mean I don’t want to sound prudish but we don’t know a thing about each other. I'm not sure we should rush into this too fast. Its not a rabbit burrow after all.

But since things are going so well, maybe we should get down to deeper questions about life (I mean we've skipped the shallow stuff like name, interests, likes, dislikes, two legs, four fingers, tail?)

I was hoping you could answer a deeply personal question for me. I'll understand if you wont, I mean I don't want to pry..... but do you play the bagpipes, and do you like cheese? ;-)

Your furry friend

Angus.

Angus the kilted ferret goes online dating

Dating at the best of times is fraught with peril, but online dating certainly put a new twist on it. Suddenly a person can be just about anything. And some are prone to exaggeration or outright falsehoods.
And some are dating bots that spew out automated responses to incoming messages, based on what they assume the prey wants to hear. I was chatting to one recently. It quickly became apparent that the responses bore no relation to my correspondence, that the original author was in another country and didn’t know hair (as in Hair dresser) is spelt differently to the long eared rabbit like creatures known as Hares. And must admit on realising it was a computer I was a little disappointed, but quickly came to realise that poor computer could well be lonely. So I wrote it out a reply, and Angus, the kilted Ferret went seeking a companion online...........

Um, now I’m sure your not reading my emails. Which is disappointing as I’ve always found a conversation works best when it involves meaningful two way communication instead of just one person describing their privates and their potential uses ;-) I’m also a bit surprised you don’t seem to want to know anything about me before pledging your undying….well it wasn’t exactly love, was it.

I mean for all you know I could be an anthropomorphic ferret named Angus who has learnt to type online? And life with a ferret may not be your thing? (Though I find being a ferret has its advantages. You can chase your tail and catch it! I think it has something to do with an extra long and flexible torso!)

But imagine the downsides, my idea of fun might be having you roll a little ball with some bells in it around my room so I can pounce on it. Fun for me, but it may not be satisfying to you.

They don’t eat ferrets in your country do they? I’m not one to stereotype someone based on their culture or ethnicity (I mean as a ferret I’d be the last one to point the paw) but I’ve heard that in some countries they eat kittens and chow down on dogs. I’d hate to end up in Singapore noodles while my lifeless pelt gets used as a furry G string.

Is there a lot of call for hare dressers in your country? Over here we mostly have European brown hare, and few of them wear clothes (probably because they have no one to dress them???) You’d have great job prospects here if it caught on!

Obviously the hare’s in your country have a better sense of fashion.

Not that I’m against introduced species wearing clothes, been known to sport boardshorts on occasion, but I can get into them myself ( I have really dexterous paws ;-) But it sure is hard getting shorts to fit through when your only 50cm’s long. I used to don a dark green checked handkerchief which I wore as a kilt, and thought looked rather fetching, but some mongrel kid thought it was a dress and laughed at me. “Look mommy, that rats wearing a dress!” she said. Of course I bit her, and she cried, but after that I did feel rather silly. I mean a bloodstained highland ferret might feel butch, but when people think you look like a savage girly mink (or worse a rat) its tough on your self image.

Oh and by the way when your not offering yourself online to anyone who can string together a sentence, what do you enjoy doing? I don’t suppose you really enjoy rolling small tinkling bells around on hardwood floors? I mean its just not as much fun on your own. Not to mention it sounds perverted when you say “I’m just off home to play with my balls.” Much better to be able to say, “I’m just off home to have a pretty lady play with my balls.” Actually that still sounds a bit perverted, but I guess your broad minded given your photo and rather explicit email. I hope you don’t mind me commenting on your mind, (after all its just about the only part of yourself that wasn’t bared in your photo’s,) and I’m assuming a shrinking violet wouldn’t tend to send naked pictures to someone before they have established rapport enough to know their name. I’ll admit, I don’t hold up much hope for us, apart from the disturbing trend of you not reading my messages and misleading me about your geographical residence, I’m uncomfortable with your choice of footwear. I mean stiletto heels are a real hazard to ferrets and while no self respecting chap likes to be walked on, accidents can happen and having sharpened steel spikes driven through you can be fatal. My preference is to survive cohabitation with a woman. That is of course assuming you’re a woman at all. Your email read more like a blow by blow account of a blue movie and was rather devoid of personality or a sense of who you were. Could it be….. are you a ferret too?

Yours sincerely, Angus