Phones, those handy little devices that connect our ears to the multitude voices of humanity. Or at least used to. Nowadays it would seem the phones function has fundamentally changed. Nowadays they connect us to pre-recorded messages where we are told how important our call is to whatever agency or company is currently not answering it. Or allow telemarketers to peddle their wares to us while our dinner cools and our minds seek new and interesting ways to return the favour and cause mayhem. For some handing the phone to a toddler is the key, to others the phrase “oh hang one you need to talk to the owner, I’ll just get him….” Precedes a wait that matches the patience of the telepest on the other end of the line.
Personally I’m rather over phones. Even the modern ones that make lightsaber noises and allow you to engage in a digital parody of sport. To me they are simply a tool and like all tools open to misuse. At least they are in my hands ;-)
For I have a rule regarding phones. When I ring a company needing to speak to a person and get placed on hold the chances of them getting a mischievous or cheeky response is directly proportional to the length of time I have to spend on hold listening to how important my call is to them.
I mean my call may be “important” to them but to me its just the medium I’m using to initiate a conversation. To me the message was important, not the call. I’m a little disturbed that they sit listening to the dulcet ringing tones of their phone rather that answering it. I mean I’m an open minded sort of chap and if their idea of fun is to sit in an office full of ringing phones and that makes them feel special, all power to them. But I just wanted to talk to someone. So if their audio fetish results in me irradiating my head with a mobile or cupping my ear with some plastic appendage for long enough that there’s a danger my skin will grow over it, I have a tendency to play up. After all, those are precious moments of my life that I won’t get back and which normally gave me no satisfaction or amusement at all. And I, like nature abhor a vacuum ;-) So when they finally answer I sometimes feel the need to redress the balance and have a little fun.
Just the other day I was calling tech support to try to get a downed system fixed. After a lengthy wait I got a slightly disinterested tech start his phone spiel with “Can I have your name please.”
“Only if I can have yours. In fact , that’s a great idea, lets swap! I’ve always wondered what its like to be Simon. You can have my identity and I’ll have yours, now I’ll start; are you having a tech problem you need my help with?”
Poor guy wasn’t ready for that “um, hangon you called me”
“true but if your going to be me and me you, then you should tell me your tech issue and I’ll log it and ignore it.”
Took the poor tech a few moments to get his head around that.
Our tech support now knows me pretty well. Its funny how easily you can make an impression. I remember one lass on deciding she should remote into my computer asked “is there anything private on the screen you’d like to close?”
There wasn’t, so I simply replied “nope just some softcore pornography and the schematics of a Kevorkian machine I’m building for my staff. It irradiates your brain to mush while your on hold.”
It was then I discovered that I have a bit of a reputation for phone banter. Despite being new to the tech support office this lass responded immediately with “oh your that Max” and proceeded to mention how my porpoises rant had been played at the last tech support Christmas party. Apparently it had been a huge hit!
I’d been listening to the “your call may be recorded for training purposes” for far too long one day so when I finally got a person he was greeted with
“Hey now listen here, I want to talk about this training porpoises thing your company’s doing. Its unethical you know. I mean off shoring jobs is is one thing but its going too far when you start training aquatic sea mammals! Porpoises are highly intelligent, social animals and putting them in call centres is just plain cruel! Did you know the wild porpoise spends about a third of its time sleeping, a third getting food and the rest of its time playing, swimming and having sex. You can’t tell me your working conditions are anywhere near as favourable as that!”
The poor tech confided that they weren’t, that he was lucky to get a lunch break most days and then went on to explain it was training purposes, not porpoises. He forgot to mention that a particularly amusing rant might also be used for general amusement at annual Christmas parties. But hey, why not share the joy eh? And this chap at least had a sense of humour. So many folks just don’t catch on!
Take my local council for example. They delight in sending me letters about a dog that hasn’t lived at my house for years. I’ve spoken to them on the phone, written to them and even filled in the forms to tell them that the dog and its owner moved but still I get letters asking me to renew its rego. And believe me calling them involves a wait Rip Van Winkle would resent. So after explaining again how the dog was no longer there I decided to raise another issue.
“hey while I’ve got you I wanted to ask something. I was recently ridding my motorbike on Garfield road and a dog ran out in front of my bike. The bike was written off, the dog died and I’ve just come out of hospital after two lots of surgery to repair a smashed knee. Now the dog failed to give way, in fact I’d go so far as to say it showed no knowledge of the road rules at all, and since council issued its licence I’d like to know what legal liability your willing to accept.”
That threw her, but her hastily summoned manager was a little quicker on the uptake after I’d asked him the same thing. There was a long pause then he said
“your having me on right?”
I agreed and explained that this was what I did when I got bored waiting for someone to answer my call.
He commented that he was glad not all his customers were like that and I suggested that maybe the alternative was to answer the phone, promptly.
Sometimes though a phone can bite back!
I recently attended a staff forum where every employee is sent into a large room for an info dump that lasts longer than the proverbial zen piece of string with only one end. Through a strange combination of following advice to put my phone on vibrate (for the first and last time) and having read the night before a news article on testicle biting ferrets, I found myself suddenly subjected to a movement in my pants.
Somewhere in my troubled mind the recognition of a n incoming call was supplanted by the idea of an angry carnivorous diomorph in the vicinity of my private parts. This resulted in a shriek and corresponding sideways leap that covered about four foot.
Suddenly all eyes were on me and I struggled with the voices in my head to find a suitable explanation for my rather unseemly behaviour.
Something just moved in my pants? (um no.)
I thought a furry bandit was about to make off with my family jewels (no, that’s worse)
I just got a call and thought nature was involved….(defiantly not!)
So as the eyes of my professional colleagues watching me awkwardly struggle for words (possibly a first) I went for an hones but emphatic truth.
“It’s a phone! And its driving me nuts!”
