Was chatting to some freinds today and it was decided to try to visit a sword shop to try to find a gift for one of those hard to shop for lads. There was a sudden flurry of offers from guys wanting to come along. Seems its not just hardware stores that interest guys, the same effect can be got from a shop full of swords, knives, axes and polearms. I commented that it was sort of like a viking hardware and that got me started with an idea!
Olaf the Viking walks up a well trodden pathway into a huge wooden long house painted in green and red. A big sign hangs next to a stylized image of a hammer and reads. “Bustings warehouse, raised villages are just the beginning.”
Inside there is a slogan in runic that reads “We’ll beat any competitor and their offer”
Olaf strides up to a red shirted staff person who tries to look the other way and duck behind a pile of badly sewn otter skins. The Viking’s meaty hand lands on his shoulder before he can disappear.
“Heil staff person. In a bit of a hurry, my longships moored in a “battle maimed” space out front….”
Staffer: “Oh, ok welcome to Bustings, how can I help?”
Olaf: I need two helms, fourteen oars, some war paint in a blue hue and anti chaffing cream for the berserks”
Staffer: “Were those half helms with nasal or would you like some of our new fully padded helms? Straight from the Byzantine Empire and they come with extra thick ear pads…”
Olaf: “Ear pads? What would you want ear pads on a war helm for?”
Staffer: “Well they keep the noise down, perfect for those early morning battles after a heavy night on the mead, very popular with the Varangians you know!”
Olaf: No I don’t like that cheap foreign made stuff, couple of whacks with a broad axe and they fall apart like a Slavic counter attack. I just want a couple of stout Norwegian helms.”
Staffer: “Those are in Isle twelve just look for the rune stone with the number on it at the end of the isle. They’re next to the bore spears with the rest of the voyaging gear.”
Olaf: “Boar spears are in the voyaging gear? You get a lot of boars on board your ships?”
Staffer: “no not boars, as in pigs, but bores. You know those whiney mongrels who get seasick and go on and on about how much they miss their wife on a long voyage, or someone else’s wife, if you know what I mean…. Every longships got one and these spears are perfect for the job. A quick stab on the dogstar watch and heave em over the side…just the trick! Happy voyaging is just stab and splash away!”
Olaf: “hmm, might come in handy now that you mention it. Oh yeah, nearly forgot. Thorfin bloodrage wants a new axe, what types do you have?
Staffer: We have a wide range in isle three from the full Danish war axe to the simple one handed multi purpose tool. What type does he favour? Bearded?
Olaf: “no he likes em like his women…. no beards!”
Staffer: “Defiantly not the Lombard two hander then, just try isle three past the loadstones.”
Olaf: where? I can never find a damn thing in these places. And you redshirts are few and far between.
Staffer ”It’s the plagues sir, hard to find and keep good staff. Half my team’s off with a rash that spreads faster than a Saxon nunnery with a bad case of comitatus and I’m trying to manage the voyaging and sacrificial sections all on my own. “
Olaf glares at him unsympathetically and he sighs.
Staffer: “well I guess it’s not your problem is it? Fair enough. Just grab what you want and then if you take your order to the traders desk you can take advantage of our new 30 day pillaging offer”
Olaf: “Hmm, how does that work?”
Staffer: “well you open an account, get the goods now, and have 30 days to settle your account. But if we catch you again later before you’ve paid, we stab you and throw you into a pit of vipers”
Olaf: “no I’m setting up to trade, so I’ll just pay in coin and slaves.”
Staffer: “Fair enough, but feel free to enjoy the charitable meat roasting by the door (its to support the local under 8’s sheildwall team) or attend one of our DIY sessions. Todays “Destroy it yourself” seminar is on Frankish fortifications. Tricky little forts those, but with the right tools and a bit of professional “know how” they come down like Thor’s wrath when the mead runs out….”
