Angus the kilted ferret goes online dating

Dating at the best of times is fraught with peril, but online dating certainly put a new twist on it. Suddenly a person can be just about anything. And some are prone to exaggeration or outright falsehoods.
And some are dating bots that spew out automated responses to incoming messages, based on what they assume the prey wants to hear. I was chatting to one recently. It quickly became apparent that the responses bore no relation to my correspondence, that the original author was in another country and didn’t know hair (as in Hair dresser) is spelt differently to the long eared rabbit like creatures known as Hares. And must admit on realising it was a computer I was a little disappointed, but quickly came to realise that poor computer could well be lonely. So I wrote it out a reply, and Angus, the kilted Ferret went seeking a companion online...........

Um, now I’m sure your not reading my emails. Which is disappointing as I’ve always found a conversation works best when it involves meaningful two way communication instead of just one person describing their privates and their potential uses ;-) I’m also a bit surprised you don’t seem to want to know anything about me before pledging your undying….well it wasn’t exactly love, was it.

I mean for all you know I could be an anthropomorphic ferret named Angus who has learnt to type online? And life with a ferret may not be your thing? (Though I find being a ferret has its advantages. You can chase your tail and catch it! I think it has something to do with an extra long and flexible torso!)

But imagine the downsides, my idea of fun might be having you roll a little ball with some bells in it around my room so I can pounce on it. Fun for me, but it may not be satisfying to you.

They don’t eat ferrets in your country do they? I’m not one to stereotype someone based on their culture or ethnicity (I mean as a ferret I’d be the last one to point the paw) but I’ve heard that in some countries they eat kittens and chow down on dogs. I’d hate to end up in Singapore noodles while my lifeless pelt gets used as a furry G string.

Is there a lot of call for hare dressers in your country? Over here we mostly have European brown hare, and few of them wear clothes (probably because they have no one to dress them???) You’d have great job prospects here if it caught on!

Obviously the hare’s in your country have a better sense of fashion.

Not that I’m against introduced species wearing clothes, been known to sport boardshorts on occasion, but I can get into them myself ( I have really dexterous paws ;-) But it sure is hard getting shorts to fit through when your only 50cm’s long. I used to don a dark green checked handkerchief which I wore as a kilt, and thought looked rather fetching, but some mongrel kid thought it was a dress and laughed at me. “Look mommy, that rats wearing a dress!” she said. Of course I bit her, and she cried, but after that I did feel rather silly. I mean a bloodstained highland ferret might feel butch, but when people think you look like a savage girly mink (or worse a rat) its tough on your self image.

Oh and by the way when your not offering yourself online to anyone who can string together a sentence, what do you enjoy doing? I don’t suppose you really enjoy rolling small tinkling bells around on hardwood floors? I mean its just not as much fun on your own. Not to mention it sounds perverted when you say “I’m just off home to play with my balls.” Much better to be able to say, “I’m just off home to have a pretty lady play with my balls.” Actually that still sounds a bit perverted, but I guess your broad minded given your photo and rather explicit email. I hope you don’t mind me commenting on your mind, (after all its just about the only part of yourself that wasn’t bared in your photo’s,) and I’m assuming a shrinking violet wouldn’t tend to send naked pictures to someone before they have established rapport enough to know their name. I’ll admit, I don’t hold up much hope for us, apart from the disturbing trend of you not reading my messages and misleading me about your geographical residence, I’m uncomfortable with your choice of footwear. I mean stiletto heels are a real hazard to ferrets and while no self respecting chap likes to be walked on, accidents can happen and having sharpened steel spikes driven through you can be fatal. My preference is to survive cohabitation with a woman. That is of course assuming you’re a woman at all. Your email read more like a blow by blow account of a blue movie and was rather devoid of personality or a sense of who you were. Could it be….. are you a ferret too?

Yours sincerely, Angus